Practical Tools for Supporting a Loved One Through Grief
“If you said to someone who is grieving, 'What would you like me to cook for you? They're going to go into default responses because trauma impairs cognition. If you said, 'Would you prefer lasagna or stir fry?' They only need to conjure up one choice and that is generally doable. Keeping it super simple to limited choices is super important.”
- Dr. Ashleigh Moreland
Grief is one of the most challenging experiences anyone can face. Whether it's the loss of a loved one, a relationship, or even a significant life change, grief can leave a person feeling overwhelmed, lost, and in deep emotional pain. As much as we want to help those we care about through their grief, knowing how to support them effectively can be pretty overwhelming. This blog post will explore practical tools and insights to help you comfort someone who’s grieving, based on a recent episode of the Re-MIND Podcast with me (Dr. Ashleigh Moreland) and David Masterton.
We’ll cover what to say (and what not to say), how to offer meaningful support, and how to manage your own emotions in the process. Whether you’re dealing with grief yourself or trying to support someone else, these strategies will provide you with tangible ways to help.
Grief is SERIOUSLY Complex
Before diving into the tools and strategies, it’s really important to understand that grief is a deeply personal and unique experience. There’s no timeline for when someone should feel “better,” and expecting someone to move on quickly can inadvertently cause more harm - EVEN if you don’t get it. As we discussed on the podcast, grief isn't something to be fixed; it’s something to be fully experienced, witnessed, honoured and moved through.
Grief often manifests in waves. One moment, the person may seem okay, and the next, they could be overwhelmed with sadness. Understanding this ebb and flow is key to providing the right kind of support. Your role is not to judge the intensity or duration of their grief but to be a stable, supportive presence.
What to Say (and What NOT to Say)
One of the most common fears when supporting someone grieving is saying the wrong thing. Many of us have good intentions but may not know how our words could be interpreted. In the podcast episode, I shared several examples of phrases that, while well-meaning, can unintentionally invalidate a person’s feelings. If you’ve ever said these things, there’s no need to be hard on yourself—I've said them too, before knowing better! Keep reading, and I’ll share some more supportive statements to try instead…
Phrases to Avoid:
"Everything happens for a reason." This can feel dismissive and suggest that the person’s pain is justified or predestined, which, regardless of your perspective of truth, may not be comforting to them in the moment.
"They wouldn’t want you to be sad." While intended to bring comfort, this phrase can make someone feel guilty for experiencing their grief. Emotions are never bad—it’s how we process them that counts!
"Time heals all wounds." Grief doesn’t operate on a schedule, and implying that it will get better with time can minimise the current pain they’re feeling. It also has the potential to limit their healing, whereby if they think that just “moving on” with life, rather than actually processing and healing through what they’ve experienced, it is possible that they’ll spend many, many years in a chronic state of survival, robbing them of the full experience of life.
Phrases to Try Instead:
"I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you." This simple statement acknowledges your lack of words while reassuring them of your presence. It’s not your job to have the right words or to fix their problem, it’s simply your job to be a safe space for them while they make sense of whatever they’re going through.
"It’s okay to feel however you’re feeling right now." Validating their emotions is incredibly powerful and helps them feel seen and understood. While moving through the stages of grief in my own life earlier this year, a beautiful friend said these words to me after I expressed that I had been feeling intense rage and sadness and confusion, but also gratitude and relief. Hearing these words, despite momentarily feeling “bad” for feeling the way I felt, was so encouraging and actually helped me move through this so much faster.
"How can I best support you right now?" Offering to help in a way that meets their needs, rather than assuming what they need, can be much more effective. More often than not, the best help is “you just being here is helping”… it really is so beautiful!
Practical Ways to Offer Support
Supporting someone through grief isn’t just about what you say; it’s also about what you do. In this episode I talked about something I had recently seen online, and absolutely loved - “grief groceries” - practical, tangible ways to help someone who is grieving. This idea revolves around the principle that when someone is in deep grief, basic tasks like grocery shopping, cooking, or even getting out of bed can feel insurmountable.
Grief Groceries
Grief groceries refer to the act of sending or delivering essential items that can help someone sustain themselves during their time of grief. These might include:
Basic groceries like bread, milk, and ready-made meals that require little preparation.
Comfort foods that are easy to eat and bring a sense of warmth or familiarity.
Household essentials like toiletries or cleaning supplies, which they might not have the energy to restock themselves.
By taking care of these everyday necessities, you create space for them to focus on their emotional healing rather than the demands of daily life.
Offering Choices, Not Overwhelm
When someone is grieving, making decisions can be incredibly difficult. The brain's ability to process and make choices can be impaired, especially in the acute stages of grief. Instead of asking open-ended questions like, "I’m going to cook for you—What do you want me to make?" try offering simple choices that don’t require much thought. For example:
"I’m going to cook for you. Would you prefer lasagne or a stir fry?"
"Does it work better for you for me to have the kids over for a play to give you a breather tomorrow or on Friday?"
These kinds of questions are easier for someone in grief to answer and help reduce the risk of overwhelming them further.
Managing Your Own Emotions While Supporting Others
Supporting someone through grief is emotionally taxing. It’s important to recognise and manage your own emotions so that you can continue to be a strong support system. I shared openly in this episode that before going on my own journey of healing and growth (and even sometimes, STILL!), my own feelings of helplessness, frustration, or sadness clouded my ability to be present for others. It’s super important to be able to recognise where you’re currently at, what you have capacity for, and communicate that openly and honestly.
Self-Awareness and Boundaries
Being aware of your own emotional triggers is crucial. For example, if you find yourself becoming frustrated because someone isn’t “getting over it,” it’s likely your own discomfort surfacing. This isn’t a sign that you’re a bad person; it’s a natural response that needs to be acknowledged and managed. Dave shared a really powerful story about this, and how he’s now able to see things a bit differently compared to that past version of himself.
It’s also super important to set boundaries. If you’re going through a difficult time yourself, it’s okay to limit the amount of support you can provide. Being honest about your capacity can prevent burnout and ensure that you’re offering the best support possible.
For instance, you might say:
"I’m navigating some big things in my own world at the moment, so I might not have the capacity to be there as much as I’d like, but please know that I’m here when I can be."
This kind of communication shows care and honesty, maintaining trust without overextending yourself.
Here Are Some Tangible Coaching Elements
Let’s put some of these principles into practice with scenarios that many of us might face.
Scenario 1: A Close Friend Loses a Parent
Your close friend has just lost a parent, and you want to support them. Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” which can put the burden on them to ask for help, you might try:
"I’m going to drop off some groceries for you tomorrow. Would you prefer I leave them at the door, or can I come in and chat for a bit?"
This offer provides a specific form of help while respecting their need for space.
Scenario 2: A Co-Worker Returns to Work After a Significant Loss
A co-worker has returned to work after losing their partner. You want to acknowledge their grief but aren’t sure what to say. Instead of avoiding the topic, you might approach them with:
"I’m really sorry for your loss. I’m here if you need anything, even if it’s just someone to talk to."
This shows empathy and openness without pressuring them to respond immediately.
Scenario 3: Your Partner Is Struggling with Long-Term Grief
Your partner has been grieving for a significant time, and you’re starting to feel frustrated because they haven’t “moved on.” Instead of pushing them to feel better, you might reflect on your own feelings and approach the situation with:
"I’ve noticed I’m feeling frustrated because I want to help you, but I don’t know how. What do you need from me right now?"
This approach focuses on your desire to support rather than your frustration, opening up a conversation that respects their process.
The Power of Community: Join the Heart-Centred Healing Hub
Grief is a journey that no one should have to walk alone. While individual support is vital, being part of a community can provide additional comfort and resources. That’s why we encourage you to join our Heart-Centred Healing Hub on Facebook. This group is a safe space where you can connect with others who are also navigating the complexities of grief and healing. It’s a place to share your experiences, ask questions, and receive ongoing support from a community that understands.
Compassion, Patience, and Presence
Supporting someone through grief requires compassion, patience, and a willingness to be present. It’s not about saying the perfect thing or having all the answers; it’s about showing up, over and over, in whatever way you can. Whether it’s through providing practical help, offering a listening ear, or simply sitting in silence together, your support can make a significant difference in their healing journey.
If you’re looking for more guidance and practical tools, consider exploring the Rise and Thrive program at the Re-MIND Institute. This program is designed to help individuals build resilience, emotional intelligence, and self-awareness, all of which are essential skills when dealing with life’s toughest challenges, including grief.
Remember, grief is not something that can be rushed or forced. It’s a process that needs to unfold in its own time. By being a compassionate and patient presence, you’re offering the greatest gift you can give to someone who is grieving: the gift of knowing they are not alone.
With wellness in mind [and body, and spirit],
Dr Ashleigh Moreland
