The Fight Response: Why We Snap and How to Find Peace

“The physical signs of a fight response are things like an increased heart rate, muscle tension in areas like the jaw, neck, shoulders, or chest, and even flushing. These are all signals from our body trying to protect itself.”

- Dr. Ashleigh Moreland

An interesting observation in my work is that everyone tends to have a particular “home base” when it comes to survival responses. I, personally, tend to operate more from a flight response with an overtone of fawning, and fight is a less obvious response.

However, when feeling under pressure, we may find ourselves snapping at loved ones, getting defensive, or feeling the urge to argue or prove a point. These reactions often feel automatic, even unstoppable, and that can be really disconcerting given that we don’t WANT to treat people we care about poorly. But you’re not intentionally hurting people—this is what we call the “fight response.”

It is a natural, physiological reaction within the body’s nervous system that activates whenever we feel threatened, much like a reflex. We have as much control over it as we do removing our hand from a hot stove—but sometimes these survival responses kick in when there’s no real threat. It would be like that same hot stove reflex (called a flexor withdrawal reflex) kicking in when you touch a kitchen bench—there’s some wires crossed in the interpretation of threat signals.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. The fight response is a part of our survival instinct. It's there to protect us, but in today’s world, this response can sometimes lead to more challenges than solutions, especially in our relationships and our own mental well-being. In this post, we’ll explore the fight response, how to recognise it, and practical strategies for transforming it.

At the Re-MIND Institute, we believe that understanding and managing responses like this is key to lasting positive change. Through our Rise and Thrive program, we guide individuals to build self-awareness and transform patterns that no longer serve them. For those who want ongoing support, the Heart-Centred Healing Hub Facebook group is a community where you can share and grow alongside others on a similar path.

Recognising the Fight Response: A Look Inside

The fight response is part of our body's sympathetic nervous system. It’s one of four main survival responses we may fall into during stress or perceived threat: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. When triggered, the fight response releases adrenaline and other stress hormones, preparing us to protect ourselves.

Physical Signs of the Fight Response:
You may recognise your body’s fight response by the physical changes it creates. Common signs include:

• Increased heart rate or the sensation of your heart pounding

• Muscle tension, especially in the jaw, shoulders, neck, or chest

• Flushing or warmth in the face

• A clenched jaw or tightly closed fists

These physical signs often appear before we’re fully aware that we’re feeling threatened. By learning to notice these signals, we gain a powerful insight into our reactions.

Emotional and Behavioural Signs:
Emotions and behaviours connected to the fight response might include defensiveness, anger, irritability, and a strong need to assert oneself or prove a point. Even seemingly “passive” reactions like the silent treatment, slamming doors, or withdrawing from others can reflect a fight response. Many people mistakenly believe that if they aren’t openly aggressive, they aren’t experiencing the fight response, but even passive reactions can be signs of internalised stress.

Why We Snap: Common Scenarios of the Fight Response

Everyone has triggers, and understanding yours is key to managing them. Here are some common scenarios where people may find themselves in fight mode:

1. A Colleague Criticises Your Work:
   Imagine you’re in a team meeting, and a colleague criticises your approach to a project. Suddenly, you feel your jaw tense, and you feel a need to defend yourself. Without fully realising it, you snap back, your tone sharp, and your response more about protecting yourself than working together. This response may stem from a fear of inadequacy or feeling misunderstood.

2. A Loved One Points Out a Habit They Find Frustrating:
   Maybe a partner or friend brings up something about your behaviour that bothers them. Before you know it, you’re on the defensive, explaining your actions or pointing out their own faults. Your loved one feels unheard, and what could have been a simple conversation turns into an argument.

3. Reacting to Perceived Disrespect:
   Many people feel triggered when they sense disrespect, particularly in close relationships. Parents, for example, might feel their children’s backtalk or defiance as a challenge to their authority. Instead of calmly addressing the situation, they may respond with a sudden outburst of anger, frustration, or discipline, which can strain the relationship.

These are just a few examples of how the fight response may appear in everyday life. The challenge lies in learning to handle these moments with calm and clarity rather than letting our responses be dictated by automatic reactions.

Practical Tools to Help You Shift Your Fight Response

Transforming the fight response is about creating a pause between the trigger and your reaction. It’s in this pause where you have the power to choose a new way of responding. Here are some practical tools that you can use:

1. Grounding Techniques

Grounding involves bringing yourself into the present moment, which is crucial for calming the nervous system. A simple method is the “5-4-3-2-1” technique:

• Five things you see

• Four things you can touch

• Three things you hear

• Two things you smell

• One thing you taste
  This practice engages your senses, helping shift attention away from stress and back to the present. Over time, grounding techniques can help train your nervous system to feel safe, even in moments of discomfort.

2. Breathing Exercises

Deep, slow breaths signal the body to relax. Techniques like box breathing: inhale for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four, and hold again for four. help activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for relaxation. Practising this regularly can be a powerful tool in reducing the intensity of the fight response.

3. Assertive Communication: ‘I Feel and I Need’

Often, fight responses arise when we don’t feel heard. Instead of reacting defensively, try expressing your feelings and needs clearly. For example, if a loved one’s comment has upset you, you might say, “I feel frustrated and need some space to process.” Or, “I feel overwhelmed and need some time to think this through.” This approach promotes open communication, enabling you to express yourself without escalating the situation.

4. Self-Reflection After the Moment

Growth comes from understanding, not judgement. After a reaction, take time to reflect on what triggered you. Was it a fear of rejection, not being good enough, or feeling judged? Ask yourself: “What did I feel threatened by?” This process can help you begin to uncover the deeper reasons for your fight response, giving you valuable insight into your emotional patterns.

5. Setting Boundaries with Love

Boundaries are essential in any relationship, especially when trying to manage our responses. If someone crosses a line with you, calmly assert that it’s not acceptable. For instance, saying, “I don’t feel comfortable with that tone, and I’d like us to communicate respectfully,” is a way of standing up for yourself without letting the fight response dictate your reaction.

How to Respond in Tricky Situations: A Coaching Approach

Sometimes, people need specific coaching to help them apply these principles in real-life scenarios. Here’s how you might navigate a common scenario with these tools:

Scenario: You’re in a meeting, and a colleague interrupts you mid-sentence, disagreeing with your point. You feel your face heating up, and there’s a sudden urge to prove yourself.

1. Pause and Breathe: Before responding, take a slow, deep breath, letting the initial impulse settle.

2. Acknowledge the Feeling: Internally, acknowledge what you’re feeling: “I’m feeling defensive because I feel dismissed.”

3. Use Assertive Communication: Instead of snapping back, you might say, “I appreciate your perspective. Can I finish my thought, and then we can discuss?” This communicates respect while also establishing your boundary.

4. Reflect Afterwards: After the meeting, reflect on what triggered the reaction. If this feeling happens often, it may be helpful to explore deeper layers around self-worth or being heard.

Moving Forward Into Healing

Learning to recognise and respond to our fight triggers is part of a much bigger journey of self-awareness and emotional resilience. The fight response often signals something unresolved within us, and it’s worth investing time in understanding these roots. While tools like grounding, breathing, and assertive communication are invaluable, working through core wounds or trauma can help shift these patterns for good.

That’s where programs like Rise and Thrive at the Re-MIND Institute come into play. Designed to support lasting change, Rise and Thrive takes you beyond simple techniques to work deeply with your nervous system, emotional health, and sense of self. We explore the underlying reasons for these reactions, guiding you through transformational work that brings genuine, lasting peace.

Finding Community and Support

If you’re looking to continue learning and connecting with others on a similar path, we invite you to join our Heart-Centred Healing Hub Facebook group. It’s a space to share insights, ask questions, and support each other along the journey of personal growth and healing.

Final Thoughts: Becoming a Better Version of Yourself

The fight response is natural, and it doesn’t make you a “bad” person. Understanding it is simply part of becoming a more conscious, compassionate version of yourself. Each time you recognise a trigger, take a pause, and respond with intention, you’re not just healing yourself; you’re also creating a more positive experience for everyone around you.

At the Re-MIND Institute, we believe that growth and healing are within reach for everyone. With the right tools, community, and self-compassion, we can all learn to respond from a place of calm and clarity. Here’s to becoming the best versions of ourselves, one mindful response at a time.

Watch Episode 83 of the Re-MIND Podcast here: