How to Be Responsive and Not Reactive For a Calmer Life
“When you start to ask questions like, 'I wonder what that's about. I wonder where that's coming from. I wonder why we're having that thought. I wonder what that's bringing up for me,' that is how we begin to shift from reactivity into curiosity.”
- Dr. Ashleigh Moreland
Ever find yourself in a situation where you react on autopilot with a default response that doesn’t feel like the best version of you? Maybe it’s a tough conversation with your partner, a conflict with a friend, or even just dealing with your kids after a long day. The reactions that come from these moments—frustration, defensiveness, or shutting down—are super common in households all around the world. But just because these reactions are typical doesn’t mean we have to settle for them.
Imagine if, instead of reflexively reacting, you could respond thoughtfully, with calm and clarity. How might that change the way you show up in your relationships, your parenting, or even in your own self-care? The truth is, you can learn to make this shift. It begins with developing what we call the "inner observer." Let's look at how this can transform every area of your life.
What Is the Inner Observer?
The inner observer is the part of you that can step back and watch your thoughts, emotions, and reactions without getting caught up in them. It’s a bit like being a spectator, where you can see what’s happening without being in the middle of it. This ability to notice, pause, and reflect is the key to breaking out of automatic, habitual responses and making space for more intentional, empowered choices.
Developing your inner observer doesn’t mean you’ll never get triggered or feel emotional. It means you can notice those feelings, create some distance, and then decide how you want to respond.
Why Reactivity Isn’t Helping You
Reactivity usually stems from stress, and stress can come from all sorts of places—work deadlines, personal expectations, or simply the daily juggling act of life. When we’re in a state of stress, our nervous system goes into overdrive. Our sympathetic nervous system kicks in, leading to fight, flight, or freeze responses. This is great when there’s a real threat, but not so useful when trying to talk things out with your partner or navigate a disagreement with a friend.
Reactive behaviours can lead to misunderstandings, damaged relationships, and a cycle of ongoing conflict. Consider this scenario:
Scenario: You’re having a discussion with your partner, and they make a comment that hits a nerve. Instantly, you feel your body tense up, your heart races, and your mind starts filling with defensive thoughts. Maybe you respond by snapping back, or perhaps you shut down and walk away.
Inner Observer Response: Now imagine that, instead of reacting immediately, you took a moment to pause and breathe. You notice the tension in your body, recognise the defensive thoughts rising, and step into the observer role. You ask yourself, What is this really about? You realise that the comment brought up old insecurities, but that doesn’t mean the person you love is trying to hurt you. From this place of awareness, you can choose to respond with curiosity instead of anger. You might ask them to clarify what they meant or share how the comment made you feel without escalating the situation.
This simple shift can turn what might have been an argument into a chance for deeper understanding.
How to Cultivate Your Inner Observer: Practical Tools
For anyone looking to be less reactive and more responsive, be it in your personal life, your role as a parent, or in friendships, developing the inner observer is a skill you can build. Here are some tools to get you started:
1. Pause Before Responding
In those moments when you feel your emotions surge, the most powerful thing you can do is pause. This doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings, but rather giving yourself a moment to breathe and consider what’s happening inside.
Practice: Next time you’re in a tense situation, take a deep breath before saying anything. Notice your body’s response—do you feel tense? What thoughts are running through your mind? This simple pause can help you move from an impulsive reaction to a more thoughtful response.
2. Get Curious About Your Reactions
Curiosity is a tool that can help diffuse the emotional charge of a moment. Instead of jumping straight to conclusions or defensiveness, try asking yourself a few questions:
Questions to Ask:
Why am I feeling so defensive?
What does this situation remind me of?
Is this reaction really about the current moment, or something deeper?
What might the other person be trying to express?
When you approach a situation with curiosity, you’re more likely to respond with understanding and patience rather than reactivity.
3. Reflect After the Fact
Building self-awareness means taking time to reflect, even after the moment has passed. Reflecting on your actions, reactions, and feelings can help you see patterns, understand your triggers, and prepare for future situations.
Practice: After a challenging interaction, ask yourself:
How did I respond, and was that how I wanted to respond?
What emotions were behind my reaction?
What could I do differently next time to handle it better?
This kind of reflective practice helps build awareness over time, so that pausing, reflecting, and responding thoughtfully becomes second nature.
Real-Life Scenario: Responding Instead of Reacting
Scenario: You’ve just received a passive-aggressive text message from a friend about something you did (or didn’t do). Immediately, you feel your pulse quicken, and you’re tempted to fire off an angry response.
Inner Observer Response: Instead of typing back immediately, you pause and take a few deep breaths. You notice the tightness in your chest and the defensive thoughts bubbling up. Rather than reacting, you ask yourself, Why is this message getting to me so much? Perhaps it reminds you of past experiences where you felt misunderstood. With this awareness, you decide to wait before responding. When you’re calmer, you can reply thoughtfully, addressing the issue without adding fuel to the fire.
In this way, your inner observer helps you to step back, breathe, and make a conscious choice about how to engage, rather than letting your initial reaction drive the conversation.
Why Developing the Inner Observer Matters
Developing the inner observer isn’t just about managing difficult interactions. It’s about fostering deeper connections, healthier relationships, and a calmer, more fulfilling life. Here’s why it’s important:
Better Decision-Making: When you step back and observe, you can make choices based on clarity and consideration rather than knee-jerk reactions.
Improved Relationships: Responding thoughtfully creates a space where others feel safe, heard, and respected.
Greater Self-Compassion: Learning to observe your thoughts and feelings without judgement helps you develop a kinder, more compassionate relationship with yourself.
The Power of Emotional Intelligence in Everyday Life
Emotional intelligence is a way of being that can transform how you engage with the world. Cultivating your inner observer allows you to approach challenges not with anxiety and defensiveness but with calm, curiosity, and compassion. And while these changes might start small by choosing to breathe before replying to a text or pausing to consider someone else’s perspective, they can have a profound effect over time.
Learning to be less reactive and more responsive is a journey, but it’s one that brings greater peace, resilience, and joy to your daily life.
Join Our Heart-Centred Healing Hub
If you’re interested in exploring these concepts further and want to join a community of like-minded individuals on the path to self-awareness and personal growth, consider joining our Heart-Centred Healing Hub on Facebook. It’s a space where we share resources, insights, and support for those committed to developing their emotional intelligence and living more fulfilling, connected lives.
Ready for the Next Step?
For those looking to dive deeper into emotional intelligence, we invite you to check out our Rise and Thrive program. This 10-week journey is designed to guide you through the process of untangling old patterns of reactivity and learning how to respond from a place of calm, confidence, and clarity. Ready to transform the way you interact with the world? Reach out to learn more about how Rise and Thrive can support your journey.
Watch Episode 79 of the Re-MIND Podcast here:
