Why Am I So Reactive? The Science Behind Overreactions—and How to Regain Control

“It's so important to stop and reflect when we observe reactivity in ourselves because it's pointing to something deeper. Asking ourselves things like 'What was that bringing up for me?', 'What was the threat I was perceiving in the environment?', and 'What did I hear that they didn't say?' is life changing!”

- Dr. Ashleigh Moreland

We've all been there. Someone says or does something, and in an instant, we react—whether it’s snapping back at a colleague, losing patience with a loved one, or spiralling after receiving an unexpected email. The frustrating part? Often, the reaction feels automatic and out of our control, and we’re left wondering why we let it get to us.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Reactivity is something many people struggle with, and it often leaves us feeling guilty or ashamed. But here’s the thing: reactivity isn’t just about losing control or being "too emotional." It’s a natural response rooted in our nervous system’s desire to keep us safe.

In this blog post, we’ll explore why we get reactive, what’s happening in our bodies when it happens, and most importantly, how you can start to regain control over those automatic reactions. Let’s break down the science behind reactivity and give you practical tools to calm your system and respond more thoughtfully in the future.

What is Reactivity?

At its core, reactivity is a survival mechanism. When we react, it’s because our nervous system perceives a threat, even if it’s not an immediate physical danger. Reactivity is fast, automatic, and exaggerated—our bodies are primed to act quickly to avoid harm.

Think about touching a hot stove. Without even thinking, your hand pulls away. This is a reflex action—automatic, protective, and completely necessary for your survival. But reactivity isn’t just limited to physical dangers. Emotional or social "threats" can trigger the same kinds of reactions.

If you’ve ever snapped at a friend or co-worker because they said something that hit a nerve, that’s your body’s way of saying, "I need to protect myself." It’s fast and often exaggerated—think about how a small comment can lead to an outburst that feels much bigger than the situation calls for.

Why We Get Reactive: A Nervous System Perspective

Your nervous system is designed to protect you, and when it senses danger, it engages one of four main survival responses: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

• Fight might look like defensiveness, a raised voice, or an angry outburst.

• Flight can show up as avoidance—perhaps ignoring a message, shutting down a conversation, or literally leaving a situation.

• Freeze could be procrastination or feeling stuck in an overwhelming situation, unable to act.

• Fawn is when we people-please, saying "yes" to things we don’t actually want to do to keep the peace.

When we are in these states, we’re not thinking clearly. Our nervous system takes over to protect us, and we lose the ability to make calm, thoughtful decisions.

But what are we protecting ourselves from? Sometimes, it’s easy to see. A disrespectful comment can trigger a fight response because it feels like an attack on our worth. Other times, the threat is more subtle, like the fear of abandonment that kicks in when a friend doesn’t reply to a text. Regardless of the trigger, the nervous system reacts the same way: it goes into survival mode, making our reactions feel immediate and overwhelming.

Understanding Your Triggers

To start managing your reactivity, it’s essential to identify your triggers. Triggers are events or situations that your nervous system perceives as a threat, even when they aren’t life-threatening.

For example, maybe a critical comment from a colleague brings up feelings of not being good enough. Or a text message left unread makes you feel ignored, triggering an abandonment wound from the past. Each time, your nervous system reacts as though there’s an immediate danger, leading to a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response.

Recognising these triggers is the first step in gaining control over your reactions. The next time you feel yourself getting worked up, pause and ask, What’s the threat my nervous system is reacting to? This simple reflection can help you separate the actual event from the emotional response.

Practical Tools to Manage Reactivity

Once you’ve identified your triggers, the key is learning how to calm your nervous system before it goes into overdrive. Here are some practical tools you can use to regain control when you feel reactive:

1. Pause and Breathe

The simplest tool is often the most effective. When you feel the tension rising, take a deep breath. Pausing gives you a moment to let the initial surge of emotion pass and can prevent you from reacting impulsively.

A few slow, deep breaths help to calm the nervous system, signalling to your body that there’s no immediate danger. This creates space for more thoughtful responses.

2. Shift from Reaction to Reflection

Instead of reacting immediately, take a moment to reflect. Ask yourself questions like:

• What’s really going on here?

• Why am I feeling so triggered?

• What am I trying to protect?

This reflection allows you to gain clarity on what’s really happening and why you’re feeling threatened, helping you to respond more calmly.

3. Check Your Story

Our reactions are often fuelled by the stories we tell ourselves. For example, if someone doesn’t respond to your text right away, you might tell yourself, "They don’t care about me," which triggers a fight or flight response. But in reality, they could just be busy.

By questioning your story—Is this true?—you can prevent yourself from spiralling into unnecessary reactivity.

4. Create Boundaries

Sometimes, reactivity comes from being overwhelmed or overcommitted. If you find yourself reacting to requests or demands, it might be a sign that you need to set firmer boundaries.

Instead of saying "yes" automatically, practice saying, "Let me think about it," or "I need some time before I can give you an answer." This gives you time to assess whether the request aligns with your needs and prevents you from feeling resentful later.

Scenario: Reactivity in Relationships

Imagine you’ve had a long day at work, and you come home to a house that’s a mess. Instantly, you feel your anger rising. You might snap at your partner or your kids, frustrated that you’re the one cleaning up again.

In this moment, your nervous system is responding to a perceived threat—feeling unsupported, unheard, or overwhelmed. But before you react, try pausing for a moment. Take a deep breath and reflect on the deeper issue.

What am I really feeling here? It’s not just about the mess; it’s about feeling like your needs aren’t being met. Instead of reacting with anger, this reflection can help you respond calmly, saying something like, "I’m feeling really overwhelmed today. Can we work together to keep the house tidy?"

This simple shift from reaction to reflection can prevent an argument and create space for more honest communication.

Moving from Reactivity to Empowerment

While it’s normal to react, the goal is to respond in a way that honours your highest and best self. Reactivity comes from a place of survival, but responding comes from a place of empowerment.

In the Rise and Thrive program at the Re-MIND Institute, we work deeply with individuals who struggle with reactivity. Many of our participants come to us feeling like they’re constantly on edge, snapping at loved ones or feeling overwhelmed by life’s demands. But through our work, they learn how to regulate their nervous systems, manage their triggers, and respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.

Our program focuses on helping individuals break free from the patterns of reactivity that keep them stuck in survival mode. We provide practical tools, coaching, and community support to help you create lasting change in your life.

Join the Conversation

If you’re feeling reactive, overwhelmed, or stuck in old patterns, you’re not alone. We invite you to join our Heart-Centred Healing Hub Facebook group, where we share resources, support each other, and continue the conversation about healing and growth. It’s a safe space to explore these topics further and connect with others on the same journey.

Click [here] to join the community and take the next step in transforming your reactions into empowered responses.

Final Thoughts

Reactivity is a natural part of being human, but it doesn’t have to control your life. By understanding the science behind overreactions and implementing these practical tools, you can start to regain control over your emotional responses. It’s not about never getting triggered—it’s about learning how to manage those triggers in a way that supports your well-being.

At the Re-MIND Institute, we’re here to help you on that journey. Whether it’s through our Rise and Thrive program, one-on-one coaching, or community support, we’re dedicated to helping you live a more peaceful, empowered life.

Watch Episode 76 of the Re-MIND Podcast here: