Why People-Pleasing Feels Safer Than Authenticity and How to Stop Fawning
“The antidote to fawning is knowing who we are, what we stand for, what we like, what we dislike, and feeling safe enough to stand in our truth. That's how we keep ourselves in a state of belonging without abandoning ourselves.”
- Dr. Ashleigh Moreland
When it comes to our survival responses, most of us have heard about the classic trio of fight, flight, and freeze. But there’s a fourth response that’s often overlooked and misunderstood: fawning. This learned behaviour, often tied to people-pleasing and conflict avoidance, is an adaptive response many people adopt as a way to feel safe in challenging situations. Instead of standing up for themselves or speaking their truth, people who fawn will seek approval, avoid confrontation, and ultimately, place others' needs above their own.
This is more than just “being kind.” For those who’ve adopted the fawn response, it can feel like being “NICE” and making sure people are happy is the only way to stay safe, avoid conflict, and remain connected to others. In this blog post, we’ll explore why the fawn response happens, how it impacts us in daily life, and most importantly what you can do to begin stepping out of people-pleasing patterns. The journey to reclaiming your voice and setting healthy boundaries is within reach. Let's start by understanding what fawning really is.
What is the Fawn Response?
Unlike fight, flight, and freeze, which are reflexive, the fawn response is a learned behaviour. At its core, it’s a strategy to keep ourselves safe by appeasing others and avoiding potential conflict. We “fawn” when we abandon our true thoughts, feelings, or needs to ensure we’re liked, accepted, or even just tolerated by others. This survival mechanism often becomes ingrained from childhood, when we’re most vulnerable to outside influences.
Fawning might look like:
Saying “yes” when you want to say “no”
Over-apologising and taking blame, even when it isn’t warranted
Avoiding conflict at all costs
Prioritising others’ feelings over your own
Going along with things you don’t agree with to “keep the peace”
For example, imagine you’re in a meeting at work, and your manager suddenly assigns extra tasks to you without even asking if you have the capacity. You’re already overwhelmed, but instead of speaking up, you nod, smile, and say, “No problem.” Inside, you’re dreading the extra work, but you feel safer going along with it than asserting yourself. This is fawning in action.
Why We Fawn and The Roots of People-Pleasing
Our nervous system is wired to help us survive, and for some, fawning becomes an adaptive way to avoid potential threats, including rejection, disapproval, or criticism. Since humans are social creatures, the need to “belong” is deeply ingrained. We learn early on that acceptance from others, particularly authority figures or loved ones, can equate to safety. Fawning, then, can feel like a reliable way to ensure we’re not cast out or rejected by those around us.
In our recent episode on the Re-MIND Podcast, we talked about how fawning can emerge from a young age when we internalise that approval from caregivers, teachers, or peers feels vital to our security. Over time, these patterns become automatic, to the point where we may not even realise we’re doing it.
How Fawning Plays Out in Our Lives
Fawning is often subtle but deeply impactful. You may notice it creeping up in work situations, social gatherings, family settings, or even friendships. The danger of fawning is that, in the pursuit of acceptance and harmony, we lose touch with our authentic selves, sacrificing our own needs and values for those of others. Here’s how it might look in different scenarios:
At Work
You’re given a project that conflicts with your workload, yet you accept it to avoid disappointing your boss. As a result, you work late nights, skip breaks, and feel exhausted - all to avoid saying “no” and to prove yourself as “good”, “reliable” or whatever other adjective we inherently value as important.
In Friendships
A friend often calls you to vent, rarely asking how you’re doing. Despite feeling drained, you continue to listen because you fear they’ll stop reaching out and you’ll “lose” the friendship if you don’t provide constant support.
In Family Dynamics
Your sibling frequently asks for help with their responsibilities, but you’re already overwhelmed with your own. You agree to help, fearing they might feel let down or upset with you.
Each of these scenarios highlights a common theme - sacrificing personal boundaries to meet others' expectations. The immediate result might be “keeping the peace,” but over time, fawning erodes our self-esteem and sense of agency, and completely destroys our sense of self or personal identity.
The Cost of Fawning
When we make ourselves small to fit into others’ expectations, we lose out on true, fulfilling relationships. Fawning leads to a cycle of self-abandonment, where we repeatedly choose others’ comfort over our own authenticity. This can result in:
Resentment: Constantly putting others’ needs first leaves us feeling resentful, especially when we realise the same effort isn’t reciprocated. The tendency is to blame others for taking advantage of us, but there is great power in recognising that we’ve allowed it (in fact, contributed to it by not communicating and upholding boundaries!). The power in this is that once we realise our own contribution, we can change it!
Low Self-Worth: When we suppress our own needs to keep others happy, we send a message to ourselves that we’re less important. Again, we often want to seek external validation of our worth so we try to please others to prove ourselves, but the whole idea of “SELF” worth is valuing our “self” enough to set the boundary to love and honour ourselves to begin with.
Burnout: People who fawn often carry too much for too long, leaving them emotionally and physically exhausted. Each time we overgive or overserve, we are cutting off a piece of ourselves and giving it to someone else. When we prioritise filling our own cup first, we can still give and serve generously, but do so from the OVERFLOW of our love, energy and resources.
Breaking the fawn response isn’t just about saying “no” more often; it’s about rediscovering who you are without needing others’ approval. It involves building trust in yourself and learning to prioritise your needs without feeling selfish.
Practical Tools for Breaking the Fawn Response
Stepping out of fawning patterns takes practice, compassion, and patience. Below are some practical tools to help you reclaim your voice and establish boundaries that honour who you are:
Start Small with Boundaries
Setting boundaries can feel daunting, especially if you’re used to people-pleasing. Begin by practising in low-stakes situations. For example, if a friend asks you to do something minor that doesn’t feel right, try saying, “I’d love to help, but I’m not able to right now.” Practise small acts of assertiveness, and build your confidence over time.
Ask Yourself ‘Whose Need is This?’
When you’re about to agree to something, pause and ask, “Whose need am I meeting here - mine or theirs?” This question can help you tune into your own needs and understand whether your choice is coming from a place of genuine desire or a fear of disappointing others.
Reframe ‘No’ as Self-Care
Saying “no” is a powerful act of self-care. Remind yourself that declining an invitation or request isn’t selfish, it’s necessary for preserving your energy and well-being. Try saying, “Thank you for thinking of me, but I need to prioritise my own commitments right now.” This respectful approach acknowledges the other person’s request without compromising your boundaries.
Practise Compassionate Self-Reflection
Reflect on when and where you tend to fawn. Are there certain people or situations that trigger people-pleasing? Gently investigate why their approval feels so important. Often, fawning patterns are rooted in early experiences where we learned that saying “yes” ensured safety or acceptance. Understanding these roots can help you bring compassion to your experience.
Celebrate Small Wins
Stepping out of fawning is a process. Celebrate each small victory - every time you set a boundary, honour your feelings, or say “no” without guilt. Recognising these moments reinforces your progress and builds your confidence over time.
Scenarios for Practising Boundaries
To make this actionable, let’s look at a few scenarios where you might apply these tools:
A Colleague Asks for Help After Hours: Politely say, “I’d love to help, but I need to focus on my own work to meet my deadlines.”
A Friend Wants You to Go Out When You Need Rest: Gently say, “I’d love to catch up soon, but tonight I’m taking some time to recharge. Can we lock something in for next week instead?”
Family Members Expect You to Host a Holiday: Firmly say, “I’ve enjoyed hosting in the past, but this year I’d prefer a quieter holiday for myself.”
These statements may feel uncomfortable at first, but with practice, they’ll become empowering reminders of your right to prioritise yourself.
Learning to Let Go of Approval
One of the hardest parts of stepping out of the fawn response is releasing the need for constant approval. Consider this question - “If I stopped fawning, what would my life look like?” Imagine the freedom of expressing your true self without the fear of disapproval. This mental exercise can help you reconnect with your authentic needs and desires, allowing you to explore what it feels like to live life on your own terms.
A reminder: you don’t have to do this alone. Practising these skills in a supportive community can make a world of difference. Our Heart-Centred Healing Hub on Facebook is a space for individuals committed to their healing journey, where you can find resources, share your experiences, and connect with others on the path to self-empowerment. Join us and find your tribe, because healing is a journey best travelled together.
How the Rise and Thrive Program Can Help
If you recognise yourself in these patterns and want support breaking free, the Rise and Thrive program at the Re-MIND Institute offers a transformative space to reconnect with your true self. In Rise and Thrive, we guide you through practical steps to recognise and dismantle old, limiting patterns while building skills for assertive communication, boundary-setting, and self-empowerment.
Breaking free from the fawn response isn’t about suddenly becoming “assertive” overnight. You literally have to “unbecome” everything that you became just to survive and be “enough”. However, through Rise and Thrive you’ll gain tools to support lasting change and the courage to live a life that honours who you really are.
Final Thoughts
The fawn response is a survival strategy, but it’s not who you are. By learning to recognise and break free from people-pleasing habits, you take steps toward a life that feels genuinely safe, fulfilling, and aligned with your true self. Remember, each time you prioritise your needs, speak your truth, or set a boundary, you’re building a stronger, more resilient self. Embrace these changes with patience and compassion, and celebrate every small victory along the way.
