Am I Too Sensitive, or Is This Actually Toxic? How to Tell the Difference and Protect Your Well-being
“Responsibility is the ability to respond. It may not be your fault that something happened, but it is your responsibility to uphold a boundary, communicate a standard, and decide that you're not willing to tolerate it anymore.”
- Dr. Ashleigh Moreland
We’ve all had those moments where something happens, and we’re left wondering: Am I overreacting, or is this situation genuinely harmful? It’s not always easy to tell. The lines between our personal wounds and the behaviour of others can blur, making it tricky to figure out if we’re being "too sensitive" or if someone’s actions are crossing a boundary.
In this blog I’m going to dive into this topic and explore the key differences between reactivity and toxicity, and how understanding these can help you protect your emotional well-being.
Why Do We React?
Our emotional reactions often stem from past experiences, particularly those we haven’t fully processed or healed. Think of it as an emotional bruise where someone presses on it, and ouch, we react. In the moment, it might feel like they’ve done something terrible, but sometimes the pain is more about our history than the present situation.
For example, let’s say your partner makes themselves a coffee but doesn’t offer you one. While this might seem like a small, everyday occurrence, it could trigger feelings of rejection, loneliness, or unworthiness if you’ve experienced neglect or disregard in the past. The key here is that the situation is "pressing on an old bruise." It hurts, but the intensity of your reaction is more about your wound than their action.
But what if it is about their behaviour? What if their actions aren’t just pressing on old wounds but are genuinely toxic? How can you tell?
Toxic Behaviour vs. Triggers: What’s the Difference?
Understanding the difference between being triggered and being exposed to toxic behaviour is crucial for your well-being. Toxic behaviours, or what we might call “acid behaviours” or in our prior analogy, “chilli”, are those that actively harm you. These are actions that repeatedly violate your boundaries, disrespect your feelings, and undermine your sense of self. They go beyond triggering old wounds, they create new ones.
Some examples of toxic behaviours include:
Gaslighting: When someone manipulates you into questioning your reality or memories. They might say things like, "That never happened," or "You’re overreacting," causing you to doubt your own perception.
Emotional Blackmail: This is when someone uses fear, guilt, or obligation to control you. For instance, they might say, "If you loved me, you’d do this for me," or "You’ll regret it if you don’t."
Constant Criticism: Whether subtle or overt, persistent criticism can erode your self-esteem. If someone frequently points out your flaws or makes you feel inadequate, they’re engaging in toxic behaviour.
Passive Aggression: Rather than addressing issues directly, passive-aggressive people express their anger or frustration through sarcasm, backhanded compliments, or silent treatment, leaving you confused and hurt.
Is This Triggering or Toxic?
Let’s break this down with a few real-life examples.
Scenario 1: The Coffee Example
Your partner regularly makes coffee for themselves but never offers you one. This brings up feelings of neglect, and you start to feel unloved or unimportant.
Triggering: If you’ve experienced past neglect in relationships, this small act might remind you of that hurt. You might be reacting to the past pain of feeling unseen or unappreciated.
Toxic: If this behaviour is part of a broader pattern where your partner consistently dismisses your needs, never considers you, and belittles your feelings when you bring it up, this might be an indicator of toxic disregard.
In this scenario, it’s helpful to first recognise whether your emotional reaction is tied to a past wound. However, if you repeatedly feel dismissed in this way, it might be time to have a serious conversation about your emotional needs and boundaries.
Scenario 2: The Silent Treatment
You and a friend have a disagreement, and instead of addressing it, they stop responding to your messages and give you the silent treatment for days.
Triggering: If you’ve dealt with abandonment or rejection in the past, this could trigger deep feelings of anxiety and fear. Your reaction might feel disproportionately intense because it’s connected to past experiences of being left out or ignored.
Toxic: If this is a regular pattern in the relationship—if your friend often uses silence as a weapon to punish or control you—it’s a form of toxic behaviour. The silent treatment can be emotionally manipulative, especially when used to avoid responsibility or force compliance.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Recognising toxic behaviour is the first step, but what do you do once you’ve identified it? This is where boundaries come into play. Boundaries are the way you communicate your emotional limits to others, and they’re essential for maintaining healthy relationships.
Here are some practical tools for setting boundaries when faced with triggering or toxic behaviour:
Be Clear and Direct: When setting a boundary, be specific about the behaviour that isn’t acceptable and what you need instead. For example, "When you ignore my messages, I feel hurt and unimportant. I need us to communicate openly, even when we disagree."
Stay Calm and Grounded: It’s easy to react with anger or defensiveness, especially if you’re feeling hurt. But boundaries are best set from a calm, grounded place. Take time to regulate your emotions before addressing the issue.
Follow Through: Setting a boundary is only effective if you follow through. If someone continues to engage in toxic behaviour despite your request, it’s important to take action - whether that’s limiting contact or, in extreme cases, removing them from your life.
Practice Self-Responsibility: Self-responsibility doesn’t mean blaming yourself for the actions of others. It means recognising your role in how you respond. You are responsible for upholding your boundaries, even if it means experiencing loss or discomfort in the process. As I often say, “Responsibility is the ability to respond.” You have the power to choose how you respond to each situation.
How to Stop Overreacting and Start Responding
If you recognise that you’ve been reacting from a place of old wounds, it’s important to begin the process of healing those wounds so you can respond from a more empowered place. Here are a few tools to help with this:
Reflect on Your Reactions: Start by taking note of situations that trigger strong emotional responses. Ask yourself, What am I feeling right now? and Where might this feeling be coming from? This practice of self-awareness helps you separate past pain from present reality.
Pause Before Reacting: When you feel triggered, give yourself a moment to pause before responding. Take a few deep breaths, ground yourself, and check in with your body. This gives you the space to decide whether the situation requires a response or if it’s an old wound resurfacing.
Develop a Self-Soothing Routine: When we’re triggered, we often feel a surge of anxiety or distress. Having a self-soothing routine can help regulate your emotions in the moment. This might include deep breathing exercises, going for a walk, or practising mindfulness.
Seek Support: Healing deep wounds and learning to respond instead of react is challenging work. You don’t have to do it alone. The Rise and Thrive program at the Re-MIND Institute is designed to help you process past trauma, develop emotional resilience, and learn the tools to navigate difficult relationships with clarity and strength.
Final Thoughts: You Deserve Healthy, Loving Relationships
Remember, you are worthy of relationships that respect your boundaries and support your growth. Whether you’re dealing with personal triggers or toxic behaviours, the goal is to create a life where you feel empowered, not reactive.
If you’re ready to explore these ideas further, connect with a supportive community, and dive into more tools for emotional healing and growth, we invite you to join our Heart-Centred Healing Hub on Facebook. It’s a space where you can connect with like-minded individuals, access exclusive resources, and receive the support you need to thrive in your journey.
Watch Episode 78 of the Re-MIND Podcast here:
