Understanding Your Child’s Extreme Behaviours Without Taking It Personally
“You're not just growing a child, you're growing their brain, and that's the brain they'll carry into adulthood. The healthier we make that brain, the better equipped they'll be for life. ”
- Dr. Ashleigh Moreland
Parenting is often described as one of the most rewarding yet challenging journeys we can take. One of the most common challenges parents face is understanding and managing their child’s extreme behaviours. Whether it’s a tantrum, defiance, or boundary-pushing, these moments can feel overwhelming and personal. But what if these behaviours are not about us but about what our child needs to grow?
In this post, we’ll explore how to approach extreme behaviours with empathy and self-awareness. Drawing on the insights from our recent episode of the Re-MIND Podcast, I’ll share practical tools, real-life scenarios, and strategies to help you stay calm, set healthy boundaries, and support your child’s development.
Why Extreme Behaviours Happen
Extreme behaviours often have less to do with disobedience and more to do with developmental milestones, unmet needs, or a child’s way of expressing emotions they can’t yet articulate. For example, a tantrum in a toddler is often a sign of frustration as they learn to navigate big emotions. For older children, questioning authority can be a natural stage of developing independence.
Recognising this can help us shift our perspective from “My child is misbehaving” to “My child is struggling to express something.”
Acknowledge Your Triggers
One of the key points raised in the podcast was how our own triggers can shape how we perceive our child’s behaviour. If a child talks back or refuses to clean their room, it can bring up feelings of disrespect or frustration rooted in our own experiences.
Consider this scenario:
Your 9-year-old refuses to clean their room, saying, “Why should I have to do it?”
It’s easy to react with anger or enforce authority: “Because I said so!” But before responding, pause and ask yourself, “Why does this bother me so much? ”
Is it because I was never allowed to question authority as a child?
Am I feeling disrespected or unheard?
Do I see their behaviour as a reflection of my parenting?
By identifying your triggers, you can respond with more intention instead of reacting from a place of frustration.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for both parents and children. They provide structure and safety while teaching children how to respect others and themselves. However, boundaries must be balanced with compassion and consistency.
Practical Example: Pre-framing Expectations
If you know you’re feeling stressed, communicate this to your child in a way they can understand.
What to say:
“Mum has had a really busy day and is feeling a bit overwhelmed. I need you to help by listening the first time I ask you to do something. Can you do that for me?”
This approach gives your child context, sets clear expectations, and helps them feel involved in a solution rather than blamed for a problem.
The Role of Modelling
Children learn more from what we do than what we say. If we want them to set boundaries, manage their emotions, or respect others, we must model these behaviours ourselves.
Scenario: Encouraging Boundaries
Imagine you want your child to be able to say no and set boundaries when they grow up. This means they need to practise setting boundaries now, even with you.
What this looks like:
If your child says, “I don’t want to hug Auntie today,” respect their choice. You can explain to Auntie, “We’re teaching [child’s name] that it’s okay to say no when they don’t feel comfortable.”
By honouring their boundaries, you teach them that their voice matters.
Building Emotional Capacity
Extreme behaviours often feel overwhelming when our own emotional capacity is stretched thin. Work stress, financial pressures, or relationship challenges can leave us with little patience. Recognising this and taking steps to expand our capacity can make a significant difference.
Practical Tool: The Pre-Frame
When you feel your patience is limited, communicate this proactively:
What to say:
“I’m feeling a bit stressed today, so I may not have as much patience as usual. I need your help to make things run smoothly. Let’s work together.”
This transparency fosters teamwork while giving you grace to not be perfect.
Rebuilding Your Brain to Support Theirs
One of the most powerful insights from the podcast is the idea that we are not just raising children; we are growing their brains. A child’s brain is still developing, particularly the prefrontal cortex, which governs logic, reasoning, and impulse control.
But what if our own brains are carrying “potholes” from unresolved trauma or unmet needs in our childhood? If we were raised in an environment where it wasn’t safe to express emotions or set boundaries, we may struggle to teach these skills to our children.
The Superhighway Analogy
Imagine your brain as a road system. If your roads are full of potholes and detours, you’ll struggle to lead your child on a smooth path. But if you work on rebuilding those roads through therapy, coaching, or self-reflection, you can confidently guide your child.
Tools for Everyday Parenting
Here are some simple tools to support you in moments of challenging behaviour:
Pause Before Reacting
When emotions run high, take a deep breath and count to five before responding. This creates space to choose a thoughtful response.Validate Their Feelings
“I can see you’re upset. It’s okay to feel that way.” Validation helps your child feel seen and understood, even when their behaviour needs addressing.Use Natural Consequences
Instead of enforcing arbitrary punishments, tie consequences to actions. For example, “If you don’t clean your room, you won’t be able to find your favourite toys when you want them.”Reflect Together Later
If a moment doesn’t go well, circle back when everyone is calm. “I wasn’t happy with how I reacted earlier. Let’s talk about what happened and how we can do better next time.”Remember the Long Game
Ask yourself, "What kind of adult do I want my child to become? ” Let this guide your responses and expectations.
When to Seek Support
If you find yourself consistently overwhelmed or feel like your child’s behaviour is too much to handle, it’s okay to seek help. Many parents benefit from working on their own emotional triggers and capacity alongside addressing their child’s needs.
This is exactly what we support in our Rise and Thrive program, helping parents and caregivers rebuild their own foundations so they can guide their children with clarity and confidence.
Join the Conversation
Parenting doesn’t have to feel isolating. Join our Heart-Centred Healing Hub on Facebook, a supportive community where we share tips, resources, and real conversations about the joys and challenges of raising emotionally healthy children.
Together, we can create the ripple effects of healing and resilience that transform families.
By understanding your child’s behaviours without taking them personally, you’re not just improving your relationship with them; you’re laying the foundation for a lifetime of emotional health and connection. Let’s grow together.
