Why Do Couples Struggle the Most with Young Children? Practical Tools for Strengthening Your Relationship
“Any relationship can turn around with two willing participants to do the work to co-create something healthier.” - Dr. Ashleigh Moreland
Hello everyone, Dr. Ashleigh Moreland here, welcoming you to our latest blog post inspired by episode 70 of the Re-MIND Podcast, titled "Why Do Couples Struggle the Most with Young Children?". In this episode, David and I delved into the intense challenges that couples face while raising young children. Today, I want to expand on that conversation by providing practical tools, real-life scenarios, and tangible coaching elements to help you navigate this tumultuous time in your relationship.
Parenting young children is often described as one of the most challenging phases of a relationship. It’s a time [usually] filled with joy and love but also one that brings immense pressure. The demands of raising young kids can exacerbate underlying issues, leading to sleep deprivation, sensory overload, financial stress, and emotional strain. Understanding these challenges and learning how to address them can make a significant difference in maintaining a healthy and loving relationship.
The Challenges of Parenting Young Children
Before we dive into the practical tools, let's briefly revisit some of the primary challenges discussed in the podcast:
Sleep Deprivation: Young children, especially infants, often wake multiple times during the night. This lack of sleep affects cognitive functions, emotional regulation, appetite, and even sex drive. It can leave both parents feeling exhausted and irritable. Even without children in the mix, persistent sleep deprivation will add strain to any relationship, as our resilience to stress is massively reduced!
Sensory Overload: Children are naturally loud, chaotic, and unpredictable, and our nervous system TENDS to be most reactive to auditory stimuli. The constant noise and activity can lead to sensory overload, making it difficult for parents to remain calm and composed. Add to that, constantly being touched (I can’t be the only parent who has ever felt “touched out” and unable to bare the thought of my partner touching me by the end of a stressful day with toddlers!!) - and it is understandable why distance can form in relationships.
Financial Stress: Raising children is expensive, but also as we are in the younger season of our lives, often our earning potential earlier in our careers is lessened, we may be down to one income if a parent has chosen to stay home, and don’t even get my started on the INSANE cost of childcare. Many couples find themselves under financial pressure, whether it's due to housing costs, childcare, or the general expenses of raising a family… financial stress adds a massive toll to relationships.
Emotional Strain: The demands of parenting can leave little time for self-care or maintaining the relationship. This can lead to feelings of being unsupported, unseen, and unheard, causing further strain on the relationship. Unequal roles, mismatched values, competing priorities… they’re all a recipe for relational turmoil.
Practical Tools for Strengthening Your Relationship
Now that we've outlined the challenges, let's discuss some practical tools that can help you and your partner navigate this demanding phase.
1. Effective Communication
Communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship (we have a 3 part series on communication in our podcast, and also prior blogs deep diving on communication, too!). When you're both exhausted and stressed, it's easy for misunderstandings and resentment to build up. Here are some strategies to improve communication:
Scheduled Check-ins: Set aside time each week to discuss your feelings, challenges, and successes. This dedicated time ensures that both partners feel heard and valued.
Active Listening: When your partner speaks, focus on remaining grounded and present in your body. Listen without interrupting. Acknowledge their feelings and show empathy. Sometimes, simply feeling heard can alleviate a lot of tension, and the “problem” can evaporate. I like to take a moment, pause, and say “thank you for sharing that with me… is there anything else?” Once I get a no, I reassure them again, and then say “what do you need most in this moment?” If you can respond to their feelings in the moment, rather than get caught up in the story, they will feel much more witnessed and valued and supported!!
Use "I" Statements: Instead of blaming or criticising, use "I" statements to express how you feel. For example, say, "I feel overwhelmed when the kids are crying all night," instead of, "You never help with the kids at night." The first statement is simply an expression of what you feel, and the second statement is an attack statement that will be met with defensiveness. To take this one step further, I like to add a second part to my “I” statements, which is… “and I need…”. So it would go “I feel overwhelmed when the kids are crying all night, and I need you to help me by _____”.
2. Co-Regulation Techniques
Co-regulation involves helping each other manage emotional responses. When one partner is feeling overwhelmed, rather than getting triggered by their words or actions in overwhelm, the other can recognise the overwhelm and provide support to help them return to a state of calm. Here are some techniques:
Physical Touch: A simple hug or holding hands can have a calming effect and help reduce stress. I like to tell my husband to lay on the floor with me (change of state), and I use firm, still touch and regulate my breath, and this brings him back to safety. When I am emotional, my husband bear hugs me and even if initially I try to evade it or push him away, he holds me and this reinforces that I am safe and my body responds with calm and safety.
Validation: Acknowledge your partner's feelings without trying to fix the problem immediately. Sometimes, just knowing that their feelings are valid and understood is enough. Things like “Wow - that sounds like a really rough day” - then ZIP IT! Say nothing else but continue to hold space, touch, or connect. Again, this can bring them back to safety.
Tag Team: When one partner is feeling overwhelmed, tap them out and take over their responsibilities for a while. This gives them a chance to recharge and come back to the situation with a clearer mind. I tend to be more conscious of when my husband is exceeding his capacity, and will lovingly say I can see you’re overwhelmed, why don’t you go and have a shower or defrag? He will often take that opportunity to “come down” and settle. His awareness of my overwhelm isn’t as sharp, which is absolutely ok (he’s learning!), so when I have awareness of overwhelm within me, I communicate it with him and say “I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I need 10 minutes to defrag. Will you please ________”. It’s not fair nor reasonable to expect your partner to read your mind or know what you need!
3. Creating a Relationship Playbook
In the podcast, I mentioned that I use an analogy of a relationship playbook with my clients. This involves setting clear expectations and roles within the relationship to reduce misunderstandings and ensure both partners are on the same page.
Define Roles: Clearly define who is responsible for what tasks. This can range from household chores to childcare duties. Knowing what is generally expected can reduce stress and prevent conflicts, BUT the caveat is that there has to be grace and adaptability - sometimes context changes our capacity, and we need to be able to step in and step up and step around to have one another's back.
Set Goals Together: Discuss and set relationship goals together. This could be anything from having a weekly date night, making time for individual hobbies / self care, or even setting a relationship growth goal like communicating differently / better or working on your response. Having shared goals, and accountability for them, helps keep the relationship focused and united.
Review and Adjust: Regularly review and adjust the playbook as needed. Life with young children is unpredictable, and flexibility is key.
4. Prioritise Self-Care and Couple Time
It's essential to take care of yourselves individually and as a couple. Here are some ways to make self-care and couple time a priority:
Self-Care Rituals: Each partner should have self-care rituals that help them relax and recharge. This could be anything from taking a bath, reading a book, or going for a walk. Note - using devices are NOT healthy recharge time (they can contribute to burnout and dysregulation as they promote freeze responses - super active mind but still body).
Date Nights: Schedule regular date nights, even if it's just at home after the kids are asleep. Spend quality time together without distractions. Honestly - in our home, sometimes our “date night” just looks like getting an early night, going to bed early with no devices, and chatting while close to each other (in the quiet darkness and low sensory environment of our bed!! AHHHHH heaven!).
Support Network: Don’t hesitate to ask for help from friends, family, or professional services. Having a support network can provide much-needed relief and allow you to focus on your relationship. One of the most powerful things in healing is surrounding yourself with like-minded people who are equally committed to personal and relational growth. Our programs are life changing for this reason!! I’ve never been able to replicate the results 1:1 as what we achieve from our group programs. We are WIRED for safe connection, and this is absolutely essential.
5. Financial Planning
Financial stress can be a significant source of conflict. Here are some tips to manage finances better:
Create a Budget: Sit down together and create a budget that covers all your expenses. Having a clear understanding of your financial situation can reduce stress.
Save for Emergencies: Try to save a small amount each month for emergencies. This can provide a safety net and reduce anxiety about unexpected expenses.
Seek Financial Advice: If you're struggling to manage your finances, consider seeking advice from a financial planner. They can help you create a plan and provide strategies to improve your financial situation.
Real-Life Scenarios
Let's look at some real-life scenarios where these tools can be applied:
Scenario 1: Sleep Deprivation and Irritability
Situation: Sarah and John are both exhausted from their toddler waking up multiple times during the night. This lack of sleep has made them irritable and short-tempered with each other.
Solution: They decide to implement a tag-team approach. John takes over the night duties on weekends, allowing Sarah to catch up on sleep. They also schedule a weekly check-in to discuss how they're feeling and adjust their strategy as needed.
Scenario 2: Sensory Overload and Overwhelm
Situation: Emma feels overwhelmed by the constant noise and demands of her three young children. She finds herself snapping at her husband, Mark, frequently.
Solution: Emma and Mark create a sensory break plan. Whenever Emma feels overwhelmed, Mark takes the kids for a walk, giving Emma some quiet time to recharge. They also use physical touch, like hugs, to help Emma calm down.
Scenario 3: Financial Stress
Situation: Rachel and Tom are stressed about their finances. The costs of childcare and household expenses are adding up, leading to frequent arguments.
Solution: They sit down together and create a detailed budget. They identify areas where they can cut back and set up a savings plan for emergencies. They also decide to seek advice from a financial planner to help them manage their finances better.
Rise and Thrive: Your Solution to Relationship Challenges
At Re-MIND Institute, we understand the immense pressure that parenting young children can place on relationships. Our Rise and Thrive program is designed to help individuals and couples navigate these challenges and build stronger, healthier relationships with themselves and others. Through this 10-week program, we provide tools and strategies to improve communication, manage stress, and strengthen your resilience to stress as an individual, and collectively as a couple.
Join Our Heart-Centred Healing Hub
If you're looking for ongoing support and community, we invite you to join our Heart-Centred Healing Hub on Facebook. This group is a safe space for parents and couples to share their experiences, seek advice, and support each other through the ups and downs of parenting and relationships.
Parenting young children doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship. With the right tools and support, you can navigate this challenging phase and come out stronger on the other side. Listen to our latest episode of the Re-MIND Podcast, "Why Do Couples Struggle the Most with Young Children?" for more insights and practical advice. And don't forget to check out our Rise and Thrive program and join our Heart-Centred Healing Hub for continuous support.
Together, we can create the loving, supportive relationships that you and your family deserve. Thank you for reading, and remember, you are not alone on this journey.
With wellness in mind [and body, and spirit]
Dr. Ashleigh Moreland
Watch Episode 70 of the Re-MIND Podcast here:
